It's Always Sunny In Konoha
by Crystal Spinning
Summary: Postwar AU. Sasuke Uchiha returns to Konoha, expecting to be lauded a hero... and instead is thrown in jail, assigned a babysitter, and expected to work minimum wage under three of Konoha's favorite chuunin. Listed in ascending order of horror. KakaIru, Izumo/Kotetsu and Sasuke/his ego.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by getting baked as shit and swapping headcanons with fellow weeaboo shitbabies.

Drug, alcohol, and sexual mention trigger warnings.

Dedicated to the One True Pairing of Izumo and Kotetsu.

* * *

It was damn Sakura's fault, Sasuke thought, scowling to himself as he thought of his team. Or Kakashi's. Or the dobe's. If any of them had bothered to pick him up after he'd served a month in maximum security, he wouldn't be stuck in this mess. Instead, he'd been left to his own devices in the old Uchiha compound, an arrangement that Tsunade immediately declared inappropriate, unacceptable, and generally not doable, especially considering his history. So he'd been dragged to the Hokage's office, where they'd placed chakra limiters on his wrists and was told he needed a fuckin' nanny.

They hadn't called it that – the council had declared that he'd need a roommate, a shinobi, since he would have no chakra to use. And who would help him find a job. (Because who would hire an ex-missing-nin who had a reputation even more frightening than Itachi-nii-san's? The thought had him grinding his teeth.) And who had volunteered? _Nobody_. Fucking nobody in this shithole of a village that he'd helped _save_.

They'd been considering putting him back in maximum security – an idea which had him scowling more – when who else, but _Umino Iruka_ had rushed to his rescue, blabbing dramatic nothings about 'once a student, always a student, Hokage-_sama' _and 'conscience couldn't allow me to let him suffer longer' and other bullshit Sasuke wasn't really listening to, until Shizune disrespectfully pinched his ear, glaring at him to listen to the Hokage.

"What?" he asked indifferently, waiting to be escorted to his cell, ready to pick his plans of insurrection right back up. Instead, the cuffs around him were split into two, allowing him to move his arms, and he hid his surprise beneath a mask of indifference. "What's this?"

"Weren't you listening?" Shizune hissed furiously, but Tsunade held up a hand calmly, eyes glinting at him with a terrifying menace that would've frightened a lesser man. However, he was an Uchiha, and he –

"You'll be living with Iruka, who has kindly offered you a bed in his house, since obviously the Uchiha grounds are off-limits until you... basically, until you prove your loyalty."

He began to protest furiously. Hadn't he proved his loyalty by not razing this damn village to the ground? Hate burned in him, and he felt his dojutsus struggle to activate despite the chakra suppressors against his ankles.

"Since none of your friends seemed willing to offer you a couch…" there was meaning in that one. She meant _everyone_.

He had nobody.

His eyes narrowed a little, watching the Hokage guardedly. "Anyway. You are not allowed any chakra. But, even though Iruka owns his house, I find it a little unfair that he must house you and deal with all your expenses. So… since you're currently unable to perform your regular _genin_ duties… you're to find a job, with my letter of recommendation, anywhere you choose." Her eyes sparkled and he felt a dull thud of fury. "If you like… you can be a gardener… or a carpenter… or even a garbage person! Or perhaps a plumber."

Sasuke would've gaped if he had not long ago mastered indifference. He only nodded. "Of course."

Tsunade looked a little disappointed at his reaction, and he smirked internally. Old bitch. He'd just have to wait for her to die and the dobe would be eating out of his hand.

Iruka gestured for him to follow, and grudgingly, he did, though it was rather difficult to keep up his usual ignoble stride while trying to keep up with Iruka, who walked rather quickly, chattering on inanely about shit Sasuke did not care about, telling him about his life, about the dobe, even about Sakura.

"So! We can drop your stuff off and send out a few applications today!" Iruka smiled after about half an hour of walking, finally breaking the silence. It was a nice street, Sasuke had to admit, a civilian neighborhood with flowers growing in gardens and children playing and shrieking in the green lawns. A pang of envy resounded in his chest, but he stifled it in order to glare at the chuunin. Had Iruka really been his teacher? He remembered the distinctive scar – ha, only an incompetent ninja would allow anything so distinctive to harm their face, he thought, not recalling Kakashi – but otherwise, there was nothing familiar about this man.

"What do you mean, _today_?" Sasuke ground out. He'd expected the ability to lie in a real bed first, at the very least, with a meal. He was not only an Uchiha, but a hero of war, damnit!

Iruka raised a brow at his tone before turning into a little garden area. Sasuke snorted. This was his house?

There was a tiny front yard, grassy and covered with flowers and spare weeds, but overall very well tended to… to the point of fanaticism. Some would've called it basic gardening, but Sasuke's background left very little in terms of… well, everything that wasn't required of a shinobi.

Iruka led him to a little room, already made up. "You were expecting me?" Sasuke asked dryly, dropping his (very few) possessions on the ground and quickly putting away his (very few) articles of clothing. Tsunade had already provided him with his own clothing – he didn't look like an inmate anymore.

Humming a little, Iruka smiled. "No, I always keep the guest bedroom made up in case anyone needs it. You never know. Besides, it's less lonely to have another bedroom filled up all the time."

Sasuke froze at that. He remembered Mikoto articulating the same sentiment once when Fugaku was away on a mission. His eyes hardened. That had been a long time ago, though. Another world. He quickly shoved such thoughts away. Uchiha were not sentimental.

Going into the kitchen, Iruka continued to yell at him. "So, I can give you the grand tour soon. For now, let's focus on your resume. Would you like something to eat? A friend of mine from Amegakure sent me this great soup that I'm sure you'd enjoy."

He did not answer, but Iruka began simmering a pot of it anyway. It was yellow and looked sweet. Sasuke hated sweets. They burned his mouth and left it feeling rough and his teeth fuzzy.

"So," Iruka clicked a pen against a scroll. "What kind of job would you like?"

"I don't care," Sasuke answered, not sitting down at the kitchen table with Iruka. There was a tablecloth. It was blue and covered with gray table settings. Sasuke stared at the alien things, unable to reconcile their presence with his current state. He clenched his fist.

"How about a bus boy or waiter? Pretty simple jobs, no prior training really required. You might pick up some cooking skills too. Oh – can you cook?" He smiled.

"I know how to not starve with limited resources in enemy territories."

"Oh… well. Can you… remember orders quickly?"

"I can memorize complex chakra patterns for jutsus very easily with my Sharingan."

Iruka's smile began to look a little strained as he scribbled down information on the scroll. "Well, we certainly know that you're determined and intelligent. Your lack of experience is a little sad, but with this letter from the Hokage, you should be fine! Oh – it has a list of all the D class missions you completed befo… all of the D class missions could count as experience! You did help clean a restauraunt once… oh, it was one that Rock Lee had destroyed. Well. It counts! So. What kind of food do you like?"

And thus it went.

Iruka duplicated the resume several times. They stopped at Ichiraku 'for old time's sake', though Sasuke noted indifferently that Teuichi did not look pleased to have him there. They stopped at a few more places – one that Sasuke knew Kakashi frequented. Had frequented. Whatever.

The next day, Iruka dragged him after school to check the resumes. One place actually, miraculously hired him.

It was fucking terrible.

He was barely trained before being ordered around and told to take things to places with names he didn't recognize. He lasted all of two days before quitting.

Same with the next job.

And the next.

The final job, however, he did not quit. He was fired on the fourth day by the manager.

"So, Uchiha, you're an avenger," the portly man sneered, not understanding the ease in which Sasuke could snap his oversized body in half. "You have the Sharingan eye, and still, my damn tables aren't cleaned!"

Trudging home, he felt more than a little pathetic, taking back ways so nobody would recognize him.

Sakura and Kakashi had point blank refused to house him. Naruto had seemed willing, but the dobe had capitulated under his team's stony glares. So he was stuck with Iruka, who took time off work to get Sasuke a job. The past week and a half he'd been taking off time for Sasuke.

When the Uchiha trudged through the door, Iruka looked up from his novel and sighed.

"Another one?"

Sasuke merely nodded, before going to change into fresh clothing. Nobody had ever described how dirty food service was. He was a seasoned shinobi, but every day he came home with aching feet.

"I really didn't want to have to do this…" Iruka sighed. "I guess it's our final option, then. Even with the Hokage's seal... very few places will hire you. Your reputation precedes you, I suppose." Scratching his head, he stood. "We might as well go now, before it gets dark."

Sasuke could've groaned. All he really wanted at this point was to lay down and dwell on his plants to demolish every single institution that had humiliated him. But he obediently and silently followed.

It was a long walk - all the way to the other side of the village, in the red light district, where the cheap housing and failed shinobi were located. Sasuke raised a brow. It was not proper for an Uchiha to be here. But he supposed it didn't matter what his name was anymore. He was going to get a job, pass the chuunin exams, and get the bitch Hokage off his back.

He was startled by the sight of Shiranui Genma, someone he hadn't expected to see, storming towards them.

"Genma?" Iruka frowned. "Why do you... oh goodness..." he fretted. "What happened this time?"

Genma's traditional senbon was missing, and he stopped. "I wouldn't go in there just now, if I were you." He scowled. "I kind of... punched the sign off the top."

"What was it this week?"

"The Rusty Senbon." He frowned deeply. "I quit."

Iruka shook his head. "It's really a miracle nobody has died yet."

"Kotetsu almost died that time Anko quit and tried to strangle him."

Sasuke looked discomfitted at that, and Iruka noticed, smiling reassuringly. "At least we know a position is open!" He tried to inject some cheer into his voice, but the Uchiha boy's emotions had been rising much closer to the surface than usual these day. Instead of only expressing annoyance and anger, his face seemed twisted into a permanent expression of discomfort and awkwardness. He'd have to get Kakashi to stop by and see it, he chortled silently to himself.

The pair bid Genma farewell, and Sasuke's quiet footsteps dragged behind Iruka's quicker, more cheerful tread.

The foretold sign hung by a piece of haphazardly tied rope over the door. Iruka sighed. He'd have to talk to the boys about getting that fixed. Yelling could be heard - it was close to opening time. Genma had likely come in for work, saw the sign, gotten angry, and left - but not after he destroyed it.

"Dude, he called us gay!"

"He walked in on you giving me a blowjob at the temple during your religious faze. That's pretty gay."

Iruka turned and sent Sasuke a reassuring smile as he opened the door - the knob was sticky, he sighed to himself - and began walking upstairs, where Izumo and Kotetsu were - hopefully! - counting stock.

"That's so not gay! That was to prove a point! And it was not a faze! I'm religious!"

"Your _parents_ are religious, and you wanted to kiss ass for rent that month."

Iruka frowned up at them as his head peeked above the stairs.

Izumo looked at Kotetsu in rage. "Okay man, spiritual - come _on_, man, Iruka's here! You said you wouldn't say shit like that in front of Iruka! I'm turning over a responsible leaf!"

"If you make another Leaf Village joke, I actually think I'll kill you." Kotetsu replied, writing something on the scroll Kotetsu held.

"Actually doing work? I'm impressed guys. Here, do you two remember Uchiha Sasuke?"

The two paused from their perusal of the bottles before them.

"Of course I remember Uchiha Sasuke. Naruto almost killed himself trying to get you to come back." Kotetsu looked at him strangely. The duo was nearly unrecognizable outside of their typical chuunin gear.

"We're the ones who found Haruno Sakura when you knocked her out and left her on a park bench."

"Well, I just saw Genma marching out of here furiously-"

"It was because of the sign." Kotetsu rolled his eyes. "I wanted to name it 'The Slobbery Shuriken', but Izumo outvoted me."

"How did he outvote you?" Iruka frowned. "There's only two of you."

"I sold him my share of the stock for a dango last week. The Hokage had us on a long shift and I was hungover. Anyway, as I was _say-_ing," he yelled, trying to drown out Iruka's sigh. "What does Genma have to do with this?"

"You're hiring Sasuke here as your new third man."

Izumo groaned. "Come on, man! You can't break up the El Dude Brothers like that! Genma was the _man_!"

Iruka looked confused. "I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but my word is final. You can't fire him, but he can't quit. Anyway, Genma worked here for three days. The only person with a shorter run here was _Ebisu, _who walked out after seeing the state of the bathroom."

Sasuke turned, startled. Was this a fucking joke? "This does not sound like a job I want."

Looking highly offended, Kotetsu scowled. "You're hired, dick! You're gonna have the time of your life. Hey, since Genma knocked down the sign, let's think of a new name. How about 'The Shitmystery'." He waved his hands for dramatic effect.

"That's a good one," Izumo begrudgingly agreed. "We're not turning into a hookah bar, though. Shit gets expensive."

"Do you know how much money I make selling bud out the back, though!? Okay, Iruka, new business plan - we grow a couple plants up here where Tsunade won't ever stick her nose-"

"No." Iruka wasn't even listening.

"And we can sell it to genin and civvies out the back! Come on, don't tell me that isn't perfect."

"It isn't perfect."

Izumo agreed. "The last time you got super cross faded was the time the garbage man found a naked body on top of the trash can. We can't do it again! I gave him an entire fourth so he wouldn't tell Shizune that it was you."

Sasuke leaned towards Iruka. "What the hell is cross faded?"

"Drunk and high. Or uppers and downers together. Or being extremely turnt up."

"Turned up?"

"Shut up! You're just a germaphobe. I'll buy you a hookah of your very own."

At that, Izumo seemed to consider it, but Iruka held up a hand.

"As main stockholder and owner of _the Shitmystery_, I say no marijuana can be sold out the back. Especially not to my students!"

Kotetsu sagged. "Damn. We're a little short on change this month. Barely scraping by! Especially with rent due."

"Dude, it's because my mom found out I blew you during temple. Not a good look in her book." Izumo opined.

"It was to prove a point!" Kotetsu argued. "It was pretty good, not gonna lie."

"Considering the two of you have been living together since you were genin-"

"We're not dating!" Izumo spluttered. "Don't try to insinuate anything untoward! You guys are sinners."

Kotetsu frowned. "Dude, we're kind of married. Anyway, if we're sinners, you're a sinner too, for blowing me in a church!"

Sasuke looked at Iruka. "Are they joking?" He murmured.

Sending him a supportive, if sheepish smile, Iruka shook his head. "I'm, uh, afraid not... but it's gonna be the time of your life, right?"

Sasuke groaned.

"I am not a sinner, I am not gay... Kami, I need a drink. Alright, newbie!" Izumo declared. "Count how many bottles of whatever we have, because personally, I'm jonesing for a Bloody Mary."

"Can I use my Sharingan?"

"You can use whatever brand of lube you want," Kotetsu said blithely. "As long as you wipe the handles down and make sure Izumo can't tell. Just kidding, it's not like it matters. Izumo likes bitch drinks."

Iruka chuckled. "Don't scare the boy. Sasuke, you can use the Sharingan. And there is nothing wrong with Bloody Marys. They're a great hangover helper."

"Thirty-seven bottles of vodka. Sixteen bottles of rum. Fourteen of whiskey. Twenty-eight bottles of sake. Forty bottles of wine."

"Slow down!" Izumo scribbled. "This shit is hella useful. Kid, you're hired."

"Three bottles of margarita mix." Sasuke droned on.

"I'll order more." Iruka released a genjutsu and opened up a shitty cardboard door.

Sasuke stared. Was Iruka _actually_ in charge of the place?

"Thanks boss. We're a little low this week."

"Yeah, wouldn't want to mess you guys up during the three hours you actually work a week."

"We do business!"

"Dancing topless on the bar and making out while screaming 'No homo!' at the top of your lungs, I'm sorry to tell you, is _not_ business. I'm pretty sure people steal the handles, too."

"Dude, no homo totally counts. Words are powerful and shit." Izumo argued. "That's how you manage to charm all of out lovely patrons, isn't it?"

"I generally do more listening than talking." Iruka replied primly. "A little of respect goes a long way, boys."

"We're older than you!" Kotetsu frowned. "Don't call us boys!"

"Dude, we're twenty-six year old chuunin and barely have two hundred bucks between us. We're gonna have to call your mom for more rent."

"We could ask yours, but she caught you giving me _oral sex_ in a _temple_!"

"It was, like, a religious experience, don't even try to argue that it wasn't. And shut up, Iruka, you know this entire business was built on getting ass. You totally benefit. The benefits just aren't necessarily financial."

Iruka chuckled.

Izumo smirked. "I saw that blond piece of ass from last week. You, my little friend, are a smooth talker. You fuckin' swinger."

"Being a swinger requires a significant other. I am happily single. And he was a very nice man from Ame." Iruka raised his brow primly, and Sasuke stared, unable to formulate any response to any of this conversation. "Unlike the two of you!"

"That is so gay, and I am a one-hundred percent heterosexual male of Konoha Village."

"Dude, we're basically married." Kotetsu pointed out, moving some bottles around, throwing away ones that were close to empty... but not before swallowing the contents.

"We aren't married! I'm straight. Like, at least ninety percent straight."

"More like eighty-five, if we're being generous." Kotetsu sniggered.

"What? No way! The ladies love my massive dong."

"Okay, if we're being serious here, then it's medium-sized at best. Like if I'm gonna be generous-"

"Shut up, you fuckin' dildo. Bathroom, right now, asshole. I'll show you medium-sized."

"If by calling me an asshole, you're implying a rim job, I am _so_ down."

"I'm the one who's gonna be down," Izumo muttered. "Let's go. I have a point to prove."

Sasuke waited until they left before turning to Iruka. "What the hell is a rim job?!"

"Oral sex directed at the anus. Quite pleasurable, though I'd advise using a dental dam. It's dirty work."

Sasuke stared. "And what in the hell is a dental damn?!"

"A latex, external condom, generally flat like paper, meant for protection. I know Izumo and Kotetsu often use Saran Wrap instead, but I am personally unsure about using kitchen supplies to feed my sex habit. Come on, do paperwork with me."

Boring was better than terrifying, and Sasuke hurried to obey Iruka's orders, hiding in the little office.

After a few minutes, the pair returned, with Kotetsu looking sated and Izumo wearing a shit-eating grin. Quite literally, too.

Sasuke, if he were not an Uchiha, would've groaned. It seemed quite an educational experience in the labor sector was awaiting him.

Facing the war had been easier than this.

* * *

As you can probably see, I have a lot of queer headcanons. Especially concerning Izumo and Kotetsu. Message me if anything problematic is found, please.

Because of an unfortunate (and shitty) lack in female characters, I have very few het ships.

Whenever I think about I&K, I think about how their goofy characterization would translate into their actual life. Owning a bar outside of their regular duties does not seem quite so implausible to me. Or not being able to decide on a name. And basically being married and not admitting it.


	2. Chapter 2

"HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET A NEW PAIR OF STAIRS, IZUMO? TELL ME, PLEASE! ARTICULATE TO ME HOW YOU PLAN ON GETTING US UP TO THE OFFICE!" Kotetsu yelled, spitting a little in his fervor, staring at the recently destroyed staircase. Izumo had defensively argued that after heavy training sessions, his chakra control was a little off.

Izumo flourished his hands dramatically, holding them up defensively, before answering with a - false - air of wisdom: "Okay, I have a question to answer your question- why do we even _need_ stairs? The piles of trash work just as well. We're _ninja_! We don't need stairs!"

"First off, _you're_ the germaphobe, so I don't even need to get into why that is unhygienic as hell!" Kotetsu was drunk already, red-faced and eating everything in the kitchen that was remotely edible without cooking. Though Sasuke noted that most of it seemed to be on his face. So had the few customers that had already trickled in.

Iruka had left to pick up more files at his house, leaving Sasuke alone with two dunderheads that made Naruto look grounded and sensible.

"Second off, we're supposed to _throw those out_! For the garbage man to _pick up_! If we lose garbage Shizune will actually murder us! And get the health inspector to shut us down! We already owe Iruka like, a lot. I forget how much."

"Man, I didn't wanna tell you in front of him, but the garbage man figured out it was skunk that I gave him and now he doesn't wanna pick up our trash. We're already on thin ice with Shizune this week too, for hot boxing the Hokage's office."

Sasuke had a little notepad of questions to ask Iruka. Most of them were definitions. Kotetsu had drunkenly told him about the time they'd 'hot-boxed' the Hokage's office. Some of the numbers on his list were 'hot boxing', 'skunk', and the one that puzzled him the most, 'alphabet game' because the way they'd discussed it had left Sasuke certain that the phrase was most definitely not synonymous with a mnemonic device.

"She was already so trashed she didn't notice anyway!"

"Yeah, so _Shizune_ picks up the slack, man. Anyway, she was already pissed about something else anyway. Did you see that fucking hole she punched in the wall?"

"Oh! Yeah, I remember that. It was because I smoked the last of that Kumo bud and sent a letter to Killer B begging for more. He accidentally sent it to the Hokage's office and it was so fucking fragrant that the council found out... and opened it."

"Psht, yeah. 'Confiscate', my ass. I bet those old farts smoked it. They need a chill pill."

They shared a chuckle. Sasuke glared at another customer, who ignored his incorrect drank and swallowed it down. Sasuke had no desire to try alcohol.

"Hey man, don't tell Iruka that." Kotetsu shot Sasuke a wary look.

Sasuke had been told to man the bar while Izumo had gathered 'supplies' from the office and Kotetsu got drunk in the kitchen.

A few more customers had begun trickling in more steadily, seemingly shinobi and kunoichi at an exclusive level, which he had expected.

They all asked for different things, but he just handed them shot glasses filled with sake. The last person who objected got an up-close view of Sasuke's mix-matched eyes. They all knew who he was. The recognition was pacifying. His hair had grown, and he liked to keep it over his Rinnegan. It was best if people did not know about it. Although he hadn't bothered here. All of the shinobi customers who got ready to give him another boring piece of their petty mind was frightened off by the dark purple rings in his eyes. They marked him, even more clearly than his Sharingan.

"It's whatever, dude." Izumo blew smoke out of his mouth, coughing a little. "Iruka always knows everything anyway. He's definitely like, psychic or some shit."

"I'm not psychic," Iruka objected. Since the pair constantly carried Tsunade's paperwork to-and-fro, they refused to do it after hours. Iruka really didn't mind. After being cooped up in the classroom all day, fresh air and exercise were the least of his dislikes. "You guys just happen to yell every other word you say."

"You see what I mean?" Izumo asked Sasuke seriously, eyes red-rimmed.

Sasuke, uncomfortable, fidgeted and did not know how to react, and remained silent. Izumo did not seem to notice. Another customer asked for something called a Perky Nippletini. Sasuke poured another shot of sake and glared at them for even daring use the word 'nipple' in his presence.

"Dude, are those my pants?"

"How the hell should I know? They all look the same," Kotetsu fell out of his chair, trying to examine the seat of his pants. "We're the same size anyway. Man, I've been tellin' you that we should just wear the exact same outfit everyday. Get like, seventeen pairs of the same pants."

"Dude, I don't want your nasty germs on me! You always put away dirty clothes on accident. I don't want your jizz all over me. That shit could impregnate people. You don't wash your clothes right."

"Okay, first off dude, you're cross-eyed right now. I can't take you seriously. Are you calling me a chronic masturbator?"

Izumo stared into space, ignoring him for a moment, mouth hanging open a little. "Dude. I fucking need chips right _now_. Like the shit the Akimichi clan makes. Someone fucking call Chouza for a restock."

Iruka shook his head. "Stop buying that imported stuff. It's too potent for him - you know what a lightweight he is."

Looking highly offended, Izumo shook the fat cigar in the younger man's face, while Sasuke watched, vaguely interested in the commotion. "I smoked this all by myself. I rolled this all by myself." He pointed for effect. "That's impressive!" He waved it around wildly. "This is an impressive-ass blunt!"

"Don't forget, this is Umino Iruka you're talking about." Kotetsu's tone was reverent.

"Someone put on Eye of the Tiger, quick." Izumo cracked.

"I feel as though that song would be more fitting for Sasuke." Iruka raised a brow.

Sasuke wondered what the hell they were talking about.

"Dude, I drank a bottle of cough syrup once," Kotetsu looked over at Sasuke seriously. "And ended up in a strip club. Iruka did that and now the Hokage Monument is guarded at night. By ANBU."

Sasuke shot Iruka a slightly disinterested gaze. Shrugging, Iruka began to go through the paperwork. "Oh, Sasuke, where is the rag? There seems to be some sake spilled here." He pointed to where the tip of his page had gotten wet.

"Don't listen to him changing the subject. Kid, we could tell you stories about Iruka."

Iruka smiled. "The two of you are my most loyal friends. I wouldn't be where I am today without the two of you."

The pair puffed up with pride. "We take care of our own, man!"

"Speaking of taking care, have either of you seen Naruto around?"

Sasuke visibly stiffened. The reason he was stuck in this mess was because of the dobe refusing to take him in. He ground his teeth. Iruka noticed, and sent him a sidelong glance.

"Yeah." Izumo snorted. "Got his work cut out for him this time. Even he can't be capable of this reformation. The entire village is going to explode in another week from her pent up rage."

Ignoring everything else, Sasuke focused on listening very carefully to this conversation. The dobe would feel his wrath - after he finished with this damn 'job' and got his full use of chakra back.

Somehow though, his 'teacher' noticed. Iruka's eyes were knowing, and it pissed him off.

"Yes. Sasuke, did you know that your friend Karin... applied for citizenship? Tsunade assigned Naruto to show her the ropes - and keep her under control until we know she's loyal."

Sasuke prided himself on his lack of emotions. It had saved his life many a time. He was dignified - an Uchiha. But the thought of Karin - annoying as she was - at _Naruto's_ mercy was even enough to bring up the awakening of long-buried feelings: pity... and empathy. And from the way Iruka had to search for the proper word, he assumed that it had been less of a choice and more of a necessity on her part. He wondered where Suigetsu and Juugo were.

Kotetsu laughed, loudly enough to startle Sasuke. "He keeps going on about 'cousins' and the power of friendship and shit."

Blanching involuntarily, he almost choked on the air in his lungs. He could just imagine Naruto being excited to find 'real family' and attempting to win her over with disgustingly corny attempts at winning her over.

Suddenly, an entire legion of Konoha shinobi trooped through the doors, waving at the four of them, obviously already drunk. Sasuke groaned. "Does this happen every night?"

"Everyone who gets kicked out of the other bars comes here." Izumo explained lazily. "They aren't hard to please."

"That makes two of us." Kotetsu winked at him.

Izumo mock-glared. "Okay, so it would be more than two, since that's a group. And also, are you implying I'm shitty in bed? Because I'm not. I pull bitches. Ask any female around. I am one hundred percent heterosexual, all-beef, masculine man."

Holding up his hands and heading behind the bar to grab another bottle of something, Kotetsu lowered his head in a bow. "You are so sexy, man. I don't know how anyone keeps their hands off you. You are the epitome of hegemonic masculinity."

"'Tis the aura of the lord protecting me. My virtue must stay intact until marriage." His face was perfectly innocent - until he broke into very high-pitched giggles.

"I don't think I've met anyone more married than the two of you," Iruka gently jibed. "Also - Sasuke - Kakashi is stopping by later. To come and see how you're doing with all this."

About time, he thought to himself. His old 'sensei' had a tendency toward lateness that extended into every aspect of his life. Sasuke shrugged. "How do you know?" Second-guessing did not work with the Copy-nin.

Iruka smiled a little. "He and I have become close since your arrival - and he has been discussing your progress with me as of late.

He did not scowl. He did not spike his chakra high enough to send the limiters around his ankles into a shocking frenzy. He simply stared. What did his old 'friends' who tried to get him to return to desperately, even want from him? It was obvious from the beginning that nothing would ever be the same, after he left. Some of the arriving shinobi wandered to the bar and began asking for drinks, shit Sasuke had never even heard of.

"C'mon, I'll tutor you," Kotetsu smiled impishly, his breath smelling strongly of alcohol. "'Sides, I guess you're not technically supposed to serve... since you are underage... and you don't have a license... and aren't technically on payroll... but whatever."

Iruka rolled his eyes, but surprisingly, did not go on a self-righteous rant about child labor or something else Sasuke did not know or care to know about. The Hokage had probably decided that it was best to keep him under wraps anyway. The Uchiha name wasn't very popular in most crowds these days... nor was the name 'Sasuke'.

"Sasuke, the Academy is opening again tomorrow, so my hours will be longer. I probably won't see you until the night."

"We can pick him up when it's time for work!" Izumo sang.

"Izumo, put that out in here, the weed-fiends will ask for some and the whole place will stink of low-quality marijuana. And only if you promise to remember to get him. Sasuke, would you be able to make your way here by yourself? Or perhaps that's a bad idea... considering..." the young man mused to himself.

"I don't care." Sasuke answered blandly, pouring shots to everyone who held out a glass. There seemed to be virtually no rhyme or reason. Unlike the previous establishments he'd been forced to endure, this was unorganized. Surprisingly, despite the antics of the owners, his killing intent had flared down quite a bit.

"Perk up, kid!"

It was... he studied her without real interest, trying to summon her back into memory. The chuunin exams proctor. Anko - she had been a student of Orochimaru. But she had failed and had been unable to kill him. He shrugged.

"This is a sweet job for someone of your age and position," she said rudely, and Sasuke raised an eyebrow at her tone. She waggled a glass in front of his face. "Now, c'mon, refill!"

He poured some clear liquid on to her hand, missing the cup, and absent-mindedly wished he had enough free chakra to use a katon jutsu on her hand.

The cycle continued like this - while Izumo and Kotetsu half-heartedly made drinks, he poured shots, and Iruka did paper-work, occasionally reminding the other two of something they had missed - a bill, an outstanding charge, something about tabs... thinks Sasuke did not know about and had even less interest in. By the time the last drunkard had staggered home, the three of them were tired. Though Sasuke's exhaustion was more mental, from listening to the two flirting, and eventually, watching them dance shirtless on the bar, irritating Iruka, who had to migrate to a new table.

Kotetsu was asleep on the bar now, and Izumo seemed close to it, when the door quietly opened.

"We... closed!" Izumo yelled, but his voice lacked authority. Sasuke turned from where he was washing his sticky hands and nodded.

"Hello, Sasuke."

Even while Konoha had changed, it seemed that Kakashi had not.

Perhaps his steps were a little lighter, the lack of Sharingan opening both of his eyes that looked a little less forced into emotion... but other than that, he was the same. The mask was up, his vest was on, and his white hair spiked up in a way that Sasuke had always secretly thought was hair gel.

He acknowledged Kakashi with a nod. "Are you looking for Iruka?"

"No... I was actually looking for you."

"Took you long enough, didn't it?"

Sasuke swore to himself. That sounded quite a bit more bitter than he'd intended. Like he wanted Kakashi to think that he'd hurt his feelings. What was he, a thirteen year old genin under Orochimaru again? But Sasuke would never admit that it was... nice, almost, to not be running for his life on a daily basis. Especially since here, nobody was trying to attack him romantically, since Karin was wrapped up and Sakura... had changed.

Everything was different now, even if Kakashi looked the same. Even fighting in the war together hadn't made much of a difference. It wasn't the old days, no matter how hard Naruto tried to convince them of that.

Kakashi opened his mouth to reply, but instead, Iruka came down the steps. In a split second, the air changed from tense to relaxed, and Sasuke wondered why that was.

"Kakashi!" Iruka smiled delightedly. "I figured you wouldn't come until much later. What a pleasant surprise."

Since when did Iruka know about Kakashi's habits? Though he supposed that it was fairly common knowledge. Kakashi's eccentric ways were almost as well-known as Gai's. The thought of the huge bear of a man he hadn't seen in years surprised him. It was being back here. It brought things back.

Iruka walked up closer, and stood strangely near Kakashi. Sasuke wondered at that. Usually Kakashi would move away, subtly, or suddenly just appear in a new spot, or at the very least, whip out a book. But he did none of those things. Even Kotetsu's obnoxious snoring didn't break the strangeness between the three of them.

Smiling nervously, Iruka send glances between the two of them. "So... Kakashi... how is Naruto's ward coming along?"

"She's... not particularly receptive to Naruto's... brand of personality."

Sasuke did not laugh. It would be undignified, and Uchiha did not snort at bars with two of their old teachers while a man was passed out shirtless in front of them. This was not a situation where he should laugh.

Especially since he was a just a little grateful towards Iruka now. Despite his fury at the dobe leaving him behind, he also probably would've killed him in a week. Naruto always managed to get under his skin. And probably Karin's. It was sickening... but at the same time, almost amusing.

No.

Izumo and Kotetsu were probably rubbing off on him. Goofiness seemed to be contagious. And dangerous. He masked his face, and studied the two of them. It hit him, and he almost blinked from sheer surprise.

Their closeness. How Iruka knew so much about his situation. Kakashi's - almost - willing presence. So, neutrally, he leveled them both with an accusing gaze:

"Kakashi... Have you worked here, too?"


End file.
